January 26, 2022 - His joy was derived by giving joy to others.

Here is the link to Dave's funeral. 
I had to watch it to see who all came. 
I am sorry if I didn't get to greet all of you.
I was overwhelmed by all of the support and the people who came.
THANK YOU!
The funeral was beautiful.  
The music was exactly what Dave would want. 
Courtney swears she could hear Dave's voice singing the exit song - Saving Grace - the song he wrote.  

I miss him.
It comes in waves.
I am trying to figure out who I am without Dave. 

When he was still alive I remember asking him if there was anything I should be doing after he passes. Is there anything I should do to honor him - his legacy.  he was pretty sick by then and didn't answer my question?
If you were at the funeral or watched the video.  The phrase that he derived joy by giving joy to others may need to be the way I can honor his legacy.  By deriving my joy by giving joy to others.  

Many people have encouraged me to keep writing these posts.  I do them for my own therapy and it seems other people have seen some value in it too.  It doesn't feel right to be doing it on Caring Bridge anymore but I need to clean up and set up my web page so I will do that soon and post the link here. 

Tonight I am tired.  Tomorrow is a new day.

Morning Pages 31 Day Challenge

Today I am starting a 31 Day writing challenge. I realized that I have not blogged here for so long, that I had forgotten my log in.
For me, writing is one way in which I pray, so I will be writing my morning pages (a discipline that has helped me write and pray in the past) each day.
Morning pages are about the consistency of the writing habit but it also is about the disipline of prayer.
There are no rules in Morning pages except to write every day!
Wish me luck and follow along.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him might not perish but might have eternal life. (John 3:16)

This Scripture quote is from today's Gospel. One can hardly not know this reading from John. It is plastered on bumper stickers, signs at football games, coffee mugs, and T-shirts. It has been called he most famous Bible verse. It has also been called the "Gospel in a nutshell," because it is considered a summary of the central theme of Christianity.

It takes on as many personal stories and meanings as there are people.

Today, it holds a special meaning as I reflect on these words.

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of my own son’s death. At three weeks old, he died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, leaving behind his twin sister and his two very broken parents. In this short post, I can’t fully explore what this Gospel passage means to me, but I know that it has taken 23 years to fully reflect on the gift Christ gave me in knowing that Jordan David Wilson did not perish but waits for me to join him in eternal life.

Today, reflect on some aspect of the gifts you have received because you believe in this “Gospel in a nutshell.”

*The above photograph is from the Garden of Mercy at Divine Mercy Catholic Church in Faribault, MN. Inspired by Sharon Wilson, the garden came into fruition by a group of volunteers from the parish. It is dedicated to all who have lost a child, before or after birth. A stone with a child's name can be placed in the garden as a memorial. For more information, please visit Divine Mercy Catholic Church or call (507) 334-2266.

I have a confession to make. Since it is Ash Wednesday, it seems like a good day to lay out the truth.

Here goes: For as long as I can remember, I have never liked praying the Stations of the Cross! I mean I never “got” it. As a child, I remember waiting out the time repeating words I didn’t understand. Later, when I taught physical education at a Catholic school, I jokingly called it “Catholic aerobics.” Stand, genuflect, kneel, repeat.

I suppose, as with other beautiful Catholic devotions I didn’t immediately take to, I needed to explore the stations more deeply and see how God could make them personal for me. And that’s exactly what He did last year.

On Good Friday, my husband and I attended the Stations of the Cross at our parish, Divine Mercy Catholic Church in Faribault, MN. Fr. Kevin Finnegan, our previous pastor, had compiled beautiful reflections from various Catholic authors and saints that fit each station perfectly. My husband and I were in tears at the end of the service. The journey of Christ’s passion, through the stations, finally became personal for me.

The Stations of the Cross are Christ’s journey to the Cross. We follow in His footsteps with each station, and reflect on our own journey through life and the specific trials we have encountered.

After my experience with the Stations of the Cross, coupled with the beautiful reflections Father compiled, I set out on another journey: to share these stations with others. After Easter, I approached Father about the possibility of publishing these stations as a book. Perhaps if I struggled with the Stations of the Cross, maybe others did, too. Perhaps these additional reflections could assist them in growing in their love of this timeless devotion, like they helped me.

Well, I am happy to share that these stations are now available in a book called A Walk of Mercy: The Divine Mercy Stations of the Cross. Inspired by the prayers of St. Faustina, it includes reflections from various Catholic saints and writers, and is a moving devotional for personal or communal use. Along with the stations, Fr. Finnegan gives instruction on how to pray the stations. Also included in the book are striking photographs of the 100-year-old Stations of the Cross from the old German Catholic Church in our community.

Here is an excerpt from Bishop Andrew Cozzens’ foreword in the book:

This Walk of Mercy is meant to draw us more deeply into the merciful love of Jesus. It is meant to teach us that our own sufferings and failings are places of mercy, not places of condemnation. It is meant to show us that the merciful love of Jesus knows no limits. This is what allows us to surrender our whole lives to him: we know the depth of his mercy for us, so we can pick up our cross and follow him. As you pray these stations and meditate on Jesus’ mercy poured out for you, I pray you will be able to say in every circumstance what Jesus himself said the night of his passion, “for his mercy endures forever.”

Thankfully, I don’t hate the Stations of the Cross anymore! And I am recommitted to exploring other Catholic traditions that haven’t penetrated my heart yet. (The key word here is yet.)

This Lent, consider exploring a devotional tradition that has slipped away from our modern lives. Maybe it is the daily Rosary, a particular novena, lectio divina, Eucharistic Adoration, or Stations of the Cross. Maybe it is recommitting to the practice of fasting and abstinence. Maybe it is answering that question, “What are you giving up for Lent?” in a way that allows real commitment to journey with Christ in the desert.

Our Catholic Church is rich in so many traditions, and we are blessed to have God working in our hearts in so many ways.

A Walk of Mercy: The Divine Mercy Stations of the Cross can be purchased on Amazon.com. Proceeds for the book go to the Garden of Mercy at Divine Mercy Parish in Faribault, MN.

New Serenity Prayer

Just a repost from me today. I came across this new Serenity Prayer recently and I love it.
It reminded me to be absolutely honest with God.  It is after all fruitless to think you can be anything other than honest with God since He already knows.  It also prompts me to be absolutely honest with myself - which can prove to be a bit harder especially when facing my disappointments, uncertainty and my own faults.

Here is the prayer - I may have to make prayer cards.

A New Serenity Prayer

byJAMES MARTIN, SJ 

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the people I cannot change,

which is pretty much everyone,

since I’m clearly not you, God.

At least not the last time I checked.

And while you’re at it, God,

please give me the courage

to change what I need to change about myself,

which is frankly a lot, since, once again,

I’m not you, which means I’m not perfect.

It’s better for me to focus on changing myself

than to worry about changing other people,

who, as you’ll no doubt remember me saying,

I can’t change anyway.

Finally, give me the wisdom to just shut up

whenever I think that I’m clearly smarter

than everyone else in the room,

that no one knows what they’re talking about except me,

or that I alone have all the answers.

Basically, God,

grant me the wisdom

to remember that I’m

not you.

Amen

Shush

One word...
"Shush"
One word was all it took to bring me a smile.
I have been on a semi-silent retreat at my sisters cabin.  I say semi-silent because being silent is not something I am good at.  I have my phone with me and have made regular calls to my husband, son and daughter.  But the purpose, or my hope, in this little excursion was to hear God's voice.  So far all I can hear is my own.
On Sunday I snuck away to a cafe with internet to catch up on some of my social media vices. I hopped on my facebook and messaged a few people.  Most of my corispondance was rambling and chatty since I have been out of contact for a while.  I messaged a priest friend of mine whom I have known for years and rambled on about my silent retreat and the Church up north that I went to Mass at and the retreat center that is up here but I am not staying at and how it woud be a great place for a retreat and... Well, you get the picture.  You can almost imagine that my fingers were out of breath.

On a Sunday morning I was surprised that my priest friend replied.
He replied with one word.
"Shush"
Not hush like a mother would say but shush like a Father reminding his children and redirecting their attention.
The shush brought me a smile.  For one, it was a reminder to redirect my thoughts to God but later that day I reflected on how it made me feel.

The shush brought me a smile because this priest  knows me well and knew that I needed  that gentle reminder  to quiet  myself considering my extrovert personality.    It also brought my heart a  moment of joy to think that this busy  priest  held me in his thoughts for a moment on a busy Sunday morning.  
I get these same moments of joy when my husband  sends me a text telling me he is thinking of me or a friend remembers  a special day.
So if this brought me a moment of joy, why am I having so  much trouble feeing the joy of knowing that God holds me in his thoughts always? God knows me and my heart better than anyone.
What was keeping me from hearing God's voice? Feeling God's love?

"Shush"

Am I not praying well enough? Is their something I am missing? Has God forgotten me?

"Shush!"

and listen...

Lent is a time for Shush... As we head into this last week before Easter, prepare your hearts and quiet your soul and "Shush" to hear God's voice.

We just need to listen.

Wish me luck and say a prayer.

Wish me luck and say a prayer.

I am taking off this weekend for 5 days alone at my sister cabin in northern Minnesota.
When I planned this "retreat" it was at a time when I felt I still needed to get some of that yuck out of my soul.  Even with the time that has past and my moving on, occasionally I feel that anger, disappointment, angst and pain of being laid off resurface.   I am finally, I believe, past that now but I am still taking the retreat.

Having worked as a teacher for 10 weeks was a good transition for me and leaving there was so different from when I was laid off.  For one thing it was my choice and and for another - I had a beautiful send off.  Just look at the the picture of the door to my classroom the last days I was teaching.

The kind words the students wrote to me lifted my heart and restored my soul in a way other people and circumstances just couldn't. God had a purpose for me  being there at this time.  A purpose for both myself and the students I hope.

So now I am faced with my next steps.
I will go on this retreat to find out what that is going to be.
Exciting huh! and scary....

I plan to use the time to pray, read, walk and write.  I have been toying at this writing thing and now I need to jump in.
I have outlined a book/manual on healing. It is something I think this blog has helped me with. I hope to intersperse some personal stories from my life and others along with the practical advice I have received along the way.

Like prayer - I find I would rather write and talk about prayer rather than do it and now with writing - I find I would rather write about writing than get to the writing! Ugg!

With that - I better get going!
Pray for me...
Come Holy Spirit Come!

Finding my Gifts

I'm baaaaaaack!

Yes I am back on my blog after a short stint as a Middle School Religion teacher. One thing about being laid off and thrown into figuring out what is next in your life, is the chance to try new things. I took the position teaching because I wanted to see if that was what I was being called to do. I think I can say that - at this time in my life - I am NOT called to teach middle school kids.

The kids are great, the school is great but it is not the right fit. I am reminded of the saying (I can't remember where I first heard it) "You contribute to your own burnout when you do things that others are called to do."

I was definitely feeling the burnout. One example was last week when I found myself yelling at some students... "At what point did you think it was a good idea to jump over the desks?" and 'That is it! I am sending the next student who talks to detention!"

Right after this episode we opened the chapter in their books to a study on the 5th commandment and after reading a discourse on righteous anger (recounting the story of Jesus overturning the tables in the temple) we were to give examples of righteous anger. I simply said, "I don't think we need to discuss examples, I think I just gave you a demonstration!"


This has caused me to reflect on what I am called to do. When I do the things I am gifted to do I am filled with life, energy and hope. I can tell I am moving toward burnout by my overwhelming fatigue. Burnout can be defined as a loss of enthusiasm, energy, idealism, perspective, and purpose. It is a state of total exhaustion—physical, mental, and spiritual—brought on by unrelenting stress. I have learned a few things about admitting that I can't do everything. To admit that you are burned out doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you are discovering your gifts.

I will be leaving my position as a Middle School teacher and allowing someone else who has that gift to take my place.  In the mean time, I will spend some time and effort discovering my gifts.

Writing is one of the things that gives me life and I will start posting to this blog again or I may start a new blog as I think I have moved beyond surviving the layoff to finding my gifts.

Follow me as I take a leap of faith and see where God is taking me.

Moving On

I started this blog as a way to process elimination of my position as the Respect Life Coordinator at the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. I certainly have had my ups and downs in trying to deal with the shock, separation, feeling of betrayal and anger. I have enjoyed writing this blog and others seem to enjoy reading it. 

The thing is - for every bump in my life - I know God has brought me through to healing.  Sometimes that healing has taken years as when my infant son died of SIDS and sometimes a situation changes and it is more easy to move on. 

Most all of the time I would say that everyone is healing, growing and moving on.   

We are on the cusp of Christmas and as I celebrate the coming of the Christ child and his new(renewed) life.  I realize it is time for me to renew my life also.

The hurts and pain and dysfunction of my old place of work is still there but I need to enter into the next phase of what God's plan is for me.  The reality is that moving on and transition is messy.  As I contemplate the manger scene this Christmas I realize that Christ came into a messy place.  It certainly wasn't perfect, being born into a place full of manure, hay and stinky animals.  Mary had diapers to change too.  Life is messy but into this messiness - love was born.  And so it needs to be with my own heart.   

I have accepted a position teaching middle school religion at Bethlehem Academy Catholic High School here in Faribault. It is a temporary long term sub position and I am not sure if teaching is where I am called to be long term but I hope that being with these young people will help me remember the enthusiasm and trust I once felt so freely. It is probably no coincidence that God has led me (at least for now) to a place called Bethlehem. 

In my discernment of the last few months I also found a call to continue to speak  and write on Catholic topics especially topics that deal with healing.  I think this blog has been a good start on speaking honestly about the healing process and God's hand in it.  I will launch the website soon.

I will be continuing to blog but under a new title - Glorified Wounds. I came up with the title invoking the image of St. Thomas probing the wounds of Christ before he could believe. It has always puzzled me why Christ returned after the resurrection with wounds on his glorified body.  He didn't need them, but others needed to see them to believe.  In this way his wounds were no longer shameful, they became a source of hope and faith for others. We all have wounds and sometimes we get stuck in the pain of our wounds, but if we can see God's work in our pain we can live our lives with joy and without shame. 

Life is all about learning and loving and I plan to keep doing both. 


I want to thank everyone who has been encouraging me and reading my blog.  Please follow my new blog.  http://glorifiedwounds.blogspot.com/2014/12/i-am-starting-new-blog.html

Your prayers have been essential. 


I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and look for more about me in the New Year!

The Power of &

The power of &

I am in a bit of an identity crisis.

When you get laid off and are unemployed you have a hard time answering questions. "What do you do?" used to be an easy question to answer. "I am the Respect Life Coordinator at the Archdiocese." It was a nice little box and easy to fit into.

Now I am not sure what to say.  I am unemployed, but that does not define who I am or what I do.

A few years ago I started writing regularly for the Catholic Spirit.  I remember getting my first paycheck for writing.  The pay from freelance writing is nothing I can pay the mortgage with, but I felt I could at least say out loud - "I am a writer!" but even now I feel like a fraud saying it. It doesn't seem legitimate unless it comes with an insurance package and a 401k.

Brene Brown - One of my favorite authors speaks of this in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection.  In it she talks about how people are afraid to claim their work.  She relays speaking to  the woman she purchased jewelry from online.  She asked her how long she had been a jeweler. The woman brushed it off and said. "I wish. I am a CPA. I'm not a real jeweler."  Brene encourages people to see themselves as more than their title from the job they get paid at. Of course she is a real jewelry maker. She was wearing the earrings she made!  The author uses slashes when describing this claiming.  Writer/plumber, singer/lawyer, teacher/playwright, etc., but I like to use an ampersand and have come to believe in the power of &. 

After reading her book I started trying to refer to myself as a Freelance Writer & Respect Life Coordinator. It has taken me a while to feel comfortable in it and it still occasionally feels like I can't claim it unless the majority of my salary comes from it. 

In looking for new employment, one needs to assess what you did for your previous work and revamp it to showcase what you can do for a potential employer.  So instead of identifying with the title of my last job I need to focus on my skills.  It was then I really found the power of &. 

I am an author & activist & teacher & communications and marketing specialist & event planer & visionary & manager & counselor & retreat leader & spiritual mentor & evangelist & ... I am also a mother & wife & child of God & friend.

I have always liked that little symbol.  Sitting right above the 7. Lucky seven maybe. We should use it more!

Challenge for today.  

Try on an & in your life.  See how many you can string together and own all the &'s in your life and career.  Maybe I need to add Ampersand Motivator to my list of &'s. 

Looking to the Future

I haven't written for a while. I have been busy with the work of finding out what I want to be when I grow up.

I am at a strange place in my career. I have decisions to make.  Do I look for work in the Catholic world? The secular world? Can I make a go at freelancing? Do I want to commute or stay close to home?

This stage of being out of work includes:

Networking
Job Seeking
Soul Searching

My first career aspirations were to become an astronaut.   Growing up in the 1960's and early 70's was filled with the excitement of the space race.  I watched intently during the first and subsequent moon landings. I vaguely remember Apollo 8's Christmas Eve television broadcast and the crew's reading from the Book of Genesis.

Here is a transcript of what was read.

Bill Anders
"We are now approaching lunar sunrise, and for all the people back on Earth, the crew of Apollo 8 has a message that we would like to send to you.
'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
‘And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
‘And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
‘And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.'"
Jim Lovell
"‘And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
‘And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
‘And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
‘And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.’"
Frank Borman
"'And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
‘And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.'
And from the crew of Apollo 8, we close with good night, good luck, a Merry Christmas – and God bless all of you, all of you on the good Earth."

Beautiful.

Those ideals of being an astronaut left me in my teen years. There were no female astronauts at that time and I was told one needed an aptitude for math and physics. That was something I did not have.

Years later I was privileged to tour the NASA facility when at a Pro-Life Conference in Houston. It was so exciting seeing the control room that was referred to in the infamous words of Apollo 13 astronaut John Swigert, Jr.. "Houston, we've had a problem here."


As I discern my next career move I suppose I have to cross astronaut off the list. :(

Sharon at the Houston NASA Facility

Enough is enough

I have not been a Black Friday shopper ever since I used to work in retail.  Although I would go out with the family and grab lunch or look around, it was a rare occasion that I would head out early and brave the crowds while I muscle my way into a store.  When our children were little, my husband did head out at 4 a.m. to get a special electronic gift for our son, but in general I have tried to avoid the shopping frenzy.  Part of my reasoning to minimized my Black Friday shopping has come from my many years of working in retail and from working on Black Friday.  Crazy is even crazier from the other side of the cash register.

Having news reports and ads constantly telling you that you are missing out leave you feeling like you really are missing out but I try to remember that I have enough.  Their is this little anxiety thing that  happens. It is a cross between feeling like you are missing out because you are not spending money and the fear of not having enough. This year I am even more apprehensive to fall into the spend just to spend frenzy that happens in theses days after Thanksgiving.  Long term financial security is uncertain as I look for my next career move and though I am looking forward to the time off to enjoy the holidays I do have the realization that my life seems to give me time when I have no money.

 Sticking to our holiday buying budget is always important but this year we will be trying to put our spending to where it is most important.  That may mean that if the must have item is 50% off today only, I will brave the elements to get the deal but work really hard not to fall into buying the impulse item sitting next to it.  I am focusing on my time I get to spend with family and recognizing that my time is a gift as I try to be thankful for all I already have.

Relate to this...

One thing about being laid off is that you find yourself in a very different daily social routine. The people you say hello to every day at work are no longer a part of your life. Your work friends may be just your work friends or they may be lifelong friends that you met through work. I am a relational person - it is just the way I am made. My relationships are important to me.  Changes in my relationships can be hard.

In my position at the Archdiocese I developed allot of relationships with volunteers, Clergy and parish staff as well as friendships within the corporation. It feels strange to be abruptly separated from them, yet that is the way it is. I geographically live 50 miles from my old job so I don't envision maintaining casual relationships but I do see myself maintaining the life-giving and fruitful friendships I have made through people I have met through work.

Just when I was feeling the brunt of the separation from my relationships through work I read an excerpt from my friend Kelly Wahlquist's new book. It is all about relationships!  It is not due to be published until early in 2015 but she was able to share with me a chapter that was put together as a promotion from the publishing company.  As fate would have it this chapter dealt with her own separation from a previous job and her fear of loosing the relationships she had built. In it she says, "My heart sank and my stomach literally ached as I envisioned friendships, embedded deep in my heart, coming to a sudden halt." 

The timing of sharing this was providential. I feel your pain sister!  I remember experiencing similar feelings when I started working in St. Paul - though I did not feel it as abruptly.  I have many friends in my hometown of Faribault but by taking a full time position with a an hour commute each direction - I was not easily able to connect with the Mom's groups and maintain the casual connections with the people I know in my home town.  I found that I stayed connected with the ones that mattered. I may have had to find new ways to stay connected. I also made new connections.  I have no doubt that the same will happen now.  I will keep and maintain some relationships I have made through my past work but I also have an opportunity now to rekindle some old friendships,strengthen some budding ones and be open to the friendships I am yet to have. 

Change can be hard, but I am comforted by the words in Paul's letter to the Hebrews: Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. 

What's that old song? You got a friend in Jesus....  :)

If you are interested in Kelly's book on relationships it can be found HERE. 

Cleaning House

"[But] its no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."

- Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Yesterday I cleaned out our home office.  It was a task well overdue. Besides the general straightening and throwing out old personal mail and papers, it was an opportunity for me to get rid of many of the items, books, notes and paraphernalia that I had accumulated in my job as the Respect Life Coordinator.  Much of these items were specific to a very specific job that I used to have. 

Unlike an accountant, nurse or teacher - I will not be looking for another position doing the same thing.  The position of Respect Life Coordinator was eliminated and unless I am willing to move to another diocese to look for a job, I will not be doing that job again.  Much of the personal materials I had accumulated over the years just won't be part of my future.  I may work for the Church again, I may work in the pro-life area again, but I will not be doing pro-life work for the church again. That position has been eliminated. I will use my skills from that position for other work but not the same work.   Frankly many of the items I went through I should have thrown or given away long ago.  Books given to me, notes from conferences, pamphlets, ideas, old programs - It was amazing how much baggage I had around the house.  

Yesterday was also the Adoption Mass day in the Archdiocese.  This was one of the last events of the year that I was working on before my position was eliminated.  Yesterday a variety of parishes in our Diocese celebrated the gift of adoption by including prayer intentions I wrote and handing out adoption materials I organized and held informational gatherings about adoption that I instigated.  I am proud of my work but it will no longer be my work and if it continues, (if others will build on that work I do not know) it is not my job anymore.  I would have attended one or two of those Masses when I was still working but I choose to go to a different Mass instead.  

So I loaded up boxes of books to give to St. Vincent DePaul and our Parish lending library, rearranged the home office and just for good measure had a bonfire to burn some of the items I cleaned out. There is something cathartic about a bonfire.  Like the Easter Vigil fire it is a sign of a new beginning.  

Next week we start the new Church year with the beginning of Advent.  

It is no use going back to yesterday... I wonder who I will be in the future?


* Note - make sure to return anything that is the property of your workplace (My items were personal)
* Make sure to keep items that you can use as examples of your work for your job search portfolio.

Let's Get Real

Their is a bit of a trend on social media for people to post their "best" side on facebook and such. The happy family pictures, the smiling couples, the beautifully decorated room are the norm.  We never or rarely see the cranky children, fighting couples  or the completely messed up and dirty rooms - unless it is funny and worth sharing.

While I am not an advocate of airing everything publicly, I do try to be wary of how things "look" on social media and recognize that no one's life is perfect.  I promised in this blog that I would be honest and I have been, but I also have portrayed the "best" of me during this time of transition.  While trying to look to the positive and move on,  I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit to my self - doubt, anger, sadness, rejection, retaliation, and fear.

All of these emotions are normal and it is important to go through them.  Just as I move through one emotion and think I have moved on, boom - there it is back again.

Sometimes an emotion can hit you out of nowhere. Yesterday my husband and I were bringing a load of coats and clothes to the local St. Vincent DePaul.


As we were dropping off our excess items I noticed it was pantry day - the day people pick up food for their family.   Their were close to 20 people lined up outside in the bitter cold waiting to get their groceries for the week.  I am not immune to a sight like this.  I have helped at Dorthy Day, Sharing and Caring Hands and helped in various ways in giving to those in need.  The difference then was that I was giving from a secure place of knowing I had a secure job and income.  Now things felt uncertain.

Later that afternoon we went grocery shopping and as I was choosing the items off the shelf at the grocery store I couldn't get the image of these people in line for food out of my mind - then panic hit me.  While we are not in any immediate financial need, the uncertainty of my situation came over me in a wave of fear. There but for the grace of God as they say... I suddenly started worrying about how long I might be unemployed.  What will happen when my unemployment benefits are used up? How will we pay for insurance?

I have been working since I was 15 years old.  My first job was at the St. Thomas Sportsman's Club coaching softball to the young girls in the rural area in Derrynane Township. While in High School I worked summers at the Green Giant Factory to have enough money to buy my own clothes.  Even through college I worked not only summers jobs, but I worked an on campus job, an off campus job and coached a basketball team at the now gone St. Kevin's Catholic School in Minneapolis.  Aside from brief stints of unemployment and time off for health reasons or maternity leave - I have always had a job.

My first instinct during this time is to find a job as quickly as possible; to fill that gap, fill that void and fill the bank account.   I am lucky to have a few weeks severance pay and outplacement services. Outplacement services are new to me.  The process involves working with a career management professional who helps you adjust to the job separation and partners with you to prepare and launch a career search.  The outplacement councilor has encouraged me to look to my next employment as a career move not a job to just pay the bills.

Really looking at my skills, abilities and wants to find that next thing that is meaningful to me and uses my talents is my next step.

Now to figure out what they are....

Fear, uncertainty, self doubt - it is all part of the package. An evening in tears may not be the "best" of me but it is the WHOLE package.

Time Off From Being Unemployed

Surviving being unemployed is hard work. Like all hard work we need time to step away from it.
Being constantly absorbed with the uncertainty of the future, reassessing your career goals and dealing with the emotions of a recent lay off takes it's toll.

My husband took me out on a date night -
Only rules are - no talking about my recent lay off, job search or career goals.  Through some generosity of my husbands workplace (Harry Brown's Family Automotive) we had tickets to the Gophers Game.  It was a Minnesota blow out and just fun to get out.

We used to do these date nights when the kids were little. We even used to make it mandatory to not talk about our children on these date nights.  It might be strange that by not talking about or getting away from our children for an evening could make us better parents but it really does. On that same note getting away (at least mentally) from the stresses of being laid off and my impending job search and career change is a good step for me to be just me and adjust to the new normal.

*Trues Confessions* - When we would go on the date nights when the kids were little we would call the babysitter before we would head home to make sure the kids were asleep so we could avoid the bedtime ritual that night... #badparents!

*Advertising Disclaimer* - Please feel free to use the link to Harry Browns if you are looking for a car but you MUST ask for my husband Dave Wilson. Any extra car sales for him are a good thing right now!

Leisure Time

One thing about being unemployed is that you have time to take advantage of all of the things in your community that are available to you.

A trip to the library is good and it is a great place to pick up a good novel that you have been wanting to read but now is also the time to read some of those "change your life' books.

I can't yet recommend these titles because I haven't read them yet but I would recommend a life changing book I own.  It is Brene' Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection." If you haven't read it - you should!

The other thing you can do with a little leisure time is play around on your home computer and figure out how all the doodads work.  Here is what I learned to do yesterday:

Well, here is a better one: 

I also started my Pilates class.  After last weekend's binge on comfort food I needed to get my body moving.  After commuting an hour to work everyday I discovered some muscles besides the ones I sit on.

As I was leafing through the community services offerings I noticed how many wonderful things we have for the Senior Citizens in our community. I was thinking that it will be so nice when I retire.   Then I noticed that they were for people 50 years old and up! I already qualify for senior community activities!!!

No way - Back to Pilates class - I am not ready for that much leisure!  I think I am done blogging for today!

The Church is a Love Story not an Institution.

One of the most difficult things about working for the church is that your spiritual life and work life get really muddled. Maybe even more so when you are part of a staff reduction.

Early in my (re)conversion to the faith I dove into volunteering.  I was surprised when I was met with gruff church staff or a grumpy church lady.  I once told my spiritual director that I thought that when I got involved with the church everyone would be nice. She laughed out loud and said "What makes you think they wouldn't be like everyone else." Whether volunteering or working for the church you realize that the same problems that are in the secular world are also in the church.

In my old office I hung a poster with a quote from Pope Frances saying:

The Church is a Love Story not an Institution.

While working for the church I found it hard to integrate my faith (as we are all called to do) into my work while separating the institution of the church.  I had to come to see it as the institution of the church but not the Church (big "C").

The Church is a living thing. It is more than a building, diocese, community, priest, Bishop or even Pope. The Church is Christ, the Holy Spirit and the breath of God.  The Church is the body of Christ.  The Church (big "C") is made of flawed individuals seeking union with the Divine One.  

On the other hand the institution of the church needs to follow all of the legal requirements and processes that any organization needs to do. The church is filled with overworked and under-appreciated staff, people who don't always make the right decisions, volunteers who are there for the wrong reasons and grumpy and insecure faithful.  The church (little "c") is made of flawed individuals seeking union with the Divine One.  

So when you are thinking that a church or diocese or church staff, priest or religious should be acting a certain way, it can be surprising when you are met with the institution of the church or the humanity of the church.

It is probably good for all of us to think about this difficulty of big "C" and little "c" - whether you work for a parish, diocese or some entity of the church or not.  In many ways all of the faithful has had to come to terms with recognizing how you process church and Church. How do you keep faith even if disillusioned? In the middle of the Clergy Sex Abuse Crisis, one needs to figure out how to keep your faith despite what you hear in the news. In some ways it may even be a call to deepen your faith.

Ultimately the Church is wherever we are  and whether we work for the church or not we all work for the Church (big "C").

I guess the only way I can come to terms with it is to recognize that I too am a flawed individual.

Music

Found this little ditty -  Turn up your volume!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CJA69C6SlRk

Music can change your attitude.  Instead of feeling uncertain of what may come I need to look at this change as a "New Dawn and a New Day!"

A friend of my husband is fond of saying, "Life is mostly attitude and timing."

Give your attitude a boost. Whats your favorite "kick ass" song? 

Put it on and crank up the volume!

The Work of Being Unemployed

Today is Monday.

Normally I would get up, have my coffee and check the news with special attention to the traffic news.  But since I do not have to make my hour long commute into the office I don't need to pay so much attention to Kelsey Soby on FOX 9 News anymore.

I would usually check my work e-mails from home before I left but...

So today I start the work of being unemployed.
Here is a picture of my new office.

I think I need to redecorate!

It would be very easy to busy myself with busy work at my computer or even to catch up on the pro-life news nationally and locally - but that is not my job any more.  My first job now is to keep my commitment to take 10 - that is take 10 minutes of prayer. Changing habits and slowing down is hard.  All I could think of was the work I needed to get done:.
Their is:

1. Applying for unemployment.
2. Check my e-mail.
3. Updating my resume.
4. Check my facebook.
5. Looking at insurance options. 
6. Check my Linkedin.
7. Updating my e-mail contact information to my home e-mail on my social media.
8. Check my e-mail again. 
9. Trying to figure out how to get my new contact info to friends and colleagues who only have my old work e-mail that I have no access to. 
10. Connecting with friends and colleagues to give them my new information.
11. Looking at the family budget.
12. ............

In addition I have already outlined my next 4 blog posts!

These are all good things....but back to that 10 minutes of prayer.  In a very practical way I need to make sure I spend 10 minutes a day in prayer, but it is difficult...so much so that I had to set the timer in my kitchen to 10 minutes and make sure I stayed with my bible until it beeped.  

Our first work is prayer.  I will need God to guide me in the next few weeks and months (well all of my life really) and I need to take the time to listen to Him first. 

Then I went to have lunch with a friend. 

Prayer

Being that it is Sunday, what a better day to talk about prayer.  First of all,  thanks to everyone who have offered prayers for me during this transition.  

I need them and keep em coming! 

I know that as a person who worked for the church you may think that prayer would be where I would turn to first, but as by first blog post says, my natural tendency is to turn to wallowing. (Please don't discount the value of wallowing - it is necessary!) But prayer is something I need to be reminded to turn to in my dark times. 

I want to share with you a portion of an e-mail I received from Jeff Cavins - (He is a generous man in his praise, help and prayers - I hope it is ok to share it!)

He wrote to me:

"I would encourage you to keep your eyes on the Lord, especially in the next two weeks. I think he has something special for you and it just might be the case that he released you from Marriage & Family for something even greater. Isn't He good? I also want to share with you a devotion that has blessed me, as I've been where you are.  I’m reminded of Gen 22 when Isaac was bound up and about to be sacrificed. He didn't ask for it, want it or expect that his life would end up like this. He was able to endure and accept the binding because his eyes were on his Father. Keep your eyes on your heavenly father! You can go through anything. 

I would encourage you to take some time to sit before the Lord and thank Him for this move in your life. Open yourself up to Him completely, the best is ahead. You are a good woman with a great story. You are a beautiful daughter of God. You are so unique that God brags about you and says, “look at this one!!!” God is going to use you."

Knowing others are praying for me and receiving encouraging words are so helpful in these times.  I NEED these reminders to "keep my eyes on my heavenly father!"

I love scripture and know that God talks to me through it. That is...when I take time to listen!   Today's entrance antiphon at Mass was: Thus says the Lord: "I know the plans I have for you, plans for peace and not for affliction. You will call upon me and I will hear you, and I will bring you back from every land where you have been held captive."

I see a pattern here - now to believe it!

I have been known to say that I would rather read a book about the Rosary than actually do it.  That being a given... I would rather write or talk about prayer then do it!  I've spent the last 5 plus years working for the church and during that time I found that it was the most difficult time for me to commune with God.  I've spent 50 hours a week working for the church like Martha (Luke 10:38) - now like Mary. I need to spend some time at his feet.  

I am recommitting to take 10 plus 2 plus family -  a mantra put forth by my pastor a few years ago.  Here is what it means:

Take 10 - (at least) minutes of prayer a day.

Plus 2 - That is 2 hours with the Lord a week- One hour at Mass and 1 hour at the Adoration Chapel. 

Plus Family - Pray together as a family. 

Part of the reason I am blogging is to be held accountable.  So here you go - I said it out loud in black and white (or on this page red and white!).  Now I have to actually do it!